This week, I applied to no less than two jobs. Both were brought to my attention via email, so I thought I’d give them a go.

One was a position – oh, let me use the term ‘situation’, it rarely sees action away from the phrase ‘Situations Vacant’ – one was a situation on the editorial team for Plan B Magazine. So I emailed off, and babbled on about what I would do. Plan B is undeniably the finest UK music magazine, at least in terms of presenting a selection, attitude and perspective which doesn’t sound like they have one eye on the rest of the media, desperately in need of Being In Touch. They carry interviews on the likes of Franz Ferdinand, but put someone far lesser known on the cover. That’s pretty commendable. But If I were on the Team That Must Be Obeyed, I feel I could improve it a little.

First of all, I’d only have one or two people from a band on each cover. Looking at all the different Plan B covers to date, the ones that stand out feature just one or two people: the woman from Cat Power, Stephin Merritt, The Arcade Fire’s Win & Regine.

Band shots are frequently dull, unless all the members are visually striking and unusual, or wear a uniform. The current issue’s cover features the group The Long Blondes, all of them. Without hearing a note from their oeuvre we already know that the singer is more important than the rest of the band. She is better dressed, and stands in front of the others. A couple of the rest of her band let the side down. They’re there to play the drums, or whatever it is, not to pose for covers.

The cover should always have the singer by themselves, whenever possible. The others can be featured in photos for the accompanying article, if they absolutely must. This tactic would also be a lot more honest. We KNOW there’s other members in the band, they needn’t be on the cover as well. Unless they have a dress code like The White Stripes or Ladytron, most eyes are going to go straight to the singer. When it comes to photos of The Charlatans, do people seriously find their eyes drifting to any member other than Mr Burgess the singer? It’s an indulgence for the lesser members’ friends and relatives only.

In fact, the same issue carries far more striking images of another act: Final Fantasy. Owen Pallett is the only member in his own band, so every photo opportunity is already more arresting than any five-piece shot de facto. Mr P is also clean-shaven and beautiful at a time when most people in bands are encouraged to sport an unattractive patch of stubble or an Accidental Beard. It’s a fashion that was last around circa 1970, with The Beatles et all letting their facial hair grow out to Biblical Prophet lengths, including the neck hair under the chin. Mr Lennon and Mr Harrison just about carried it off, and it certainly suited Mr Ringo, the token ‘homely’ band member. Mr McCartney, on the other hand, looked like a serial killer. It wasn’t the best Beatles phase, in terms of band photos.

I don’t mind proper beards, deliberate beards, and they obviously are flattering for men with weak chins or odd mouths. It’s just the fashionably unkempt, unshaped variety on men who clearly would look better without, which engulfs my goat.

But I digress as ever. Mr Pallett would be on the current Plan B cover if it were down to me. The Long Blondes singer has commented that she was only singled out on a magazine’s ‘Cool List’ because “they probably didn’t have enough girls. It was so overrun with boring boys, they needed someone to bring a touch of glamour.”

So what’s clearly needed is a few more glamourous, interesting boys. And if anyone is an Interesting Boy right now, it’s unquestionably Mr Pallett. I saw him play in Kilburn recently. His encore was entirely cover versions: the first four songs from OMD’s Dazzle Ships album, followed by Mariah Carey’s Fantasy, which is based around that keyboard riff from Tom Tom Club’s Genius Of Love. And people call ME fixated with the 80s!

I’d also cut down on the swearing in Plan B magazine. It’s not nearly as bad as NME who, once they were finally allowed to print swear words, went somewhat overboard. But it’s still a bit tiresome. It’s people trying to be ‘cool’. I can’t stand people trying to be cool. I don’t have to be cool: I already am me. Unless you can swear like Richard E Grant in Withnail & I, you shouldn’t attempt it without stabilisers.

I think I said something along those lines in my email to Plan B regarding their unengaged Situation. I’m not holding my breath that I’ll get the job, but nothing ventured. Mr Simon Bookish for one thinks it could only be a Good Thing for all concerned, bless him. Though he probably suspects I’d do my utmost to put HIM on the cover as soon as possible. And he’d be right.

The other Situation was for Borkowski PR. They’re after someone with blogging experience to do some kind of market research for one of their clients, a mobile phone company. Given the popularity to voice your opinions unsolicited on blog comment boxes, message boards and Have Your Say forums, one can understand that a company would switch from stopping people in the street with a clipboard, to joining the world of blogging.

So I went for an interview at Borkowski HQ off Holborn. And yes, my first impression was ‘very Absolutely Fabulous / Nathan Barley’. I was completely out of my depth. All open plan terminals, paper everwhere, people on phones, or people on salad wraps. The real world? Well, no. Just a different world. I can’t do that world. I did my best in the interview, mentioning that my online diary was started before the world ‘weblog’ was coined, let alone abbreviated to ‘blog’. But no one likes a pioneer, as Tim Chipping told me lately. He’s just been promoted and given a raise as Features Editor on the Channel 4 website’s music section. I’m happy for him, though I do think it’s amusing that ten years ago he was taking the mickey out of me for dashing off to internet cafes on tour with Orlando. I had an email address in 1995, two years before I got a computer. Others who sneered at me then for being ‘geeky’ and using email (“what’s wrong with picking up the phone?”) now have jobs where the Web and Email are essential to the work in hand.

One problem is that I can’t be doing with hustling for a job if others are after it. The only race I can run is one with no other competitors. Otherwise, I’m only too happy to step aside. “You want this job badly? Fine, have it.”

I’m nearly 35, so when it comes to a job that anyone other than me could do equally well, it’s going to go to someone younger and prettier anyway. I refuse to fight for work. I genuinely couldn’t care less. I’ve worked in every form of shop, and done my share of shelf-stacking and pub work. I’m somewhere else now, someone else now.

But I’m just trying to put my name and face about in worlds outside of this one. Let people know what I’m like, what I know, how I write, how I can attract readers. I’m optimistic that something will come along soon. And if it doesn’t, I don’t mind too much. Better a life of penury being who I am than fake it for a wage.

Postscript: Email from Tim Chipping. “What I actually said was ‘There’s no glory in being a pioneer'”.