Wednesday September 26th 2001

While panic grips London, and gas masks are advertised on the Shopping Channel, I too prepare for war.

I go out and buy six month’s worth of peroxide.

Meanwhile, a charity recording of “What’s Going On” is about to be released by Bono and diverse other self-important pop stars, who after much thought have decided that the best way they can help victims of the terrorist attacks is by reminding people they’re famous. I have just heard the record, and, needless to say, it is an atrocity of its own. Haven’t people suffered enough?

And there was I thinking there had been too many three-minute silences of late. I could have done with another one there.

“War is not the answer”, they sing. And immediately Messrs Bush & Blair drop what they’re doing and hang their heads in shame… No, of course they don’t. World leaders have never had their minds changed by music in the past and they’re certainly not going to start now. Least of all by hasty, ill-advised, self-aggrandising charity records.

Natalie Imbruglia is at least honest about the egotistical intentions behind the big “America’s Heroes” benefit telethon that was broadcast on TV recently. She uses her slot on the show to premiere her latest single.

Elsewhere, the Rev Jerry Falwell, friend and influential supporter of Young Mr Bush, appears on an American Christian programme and quickly indentifies the culprits behind the terrorist attacks: “I really believe that the abortionists, the feminists, the gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle… I point the finger in their face and say: ‘You helped this happen’.”

I imagine Mr Bush, being that renowned expert of world geography, subsequently clicking his fingers and threatening to bomb the people of Lesbia if the Lesbianese government doesn’t hand over Osama Bin Lesbian.