I look at my appointments diary and muse on the sentiment of the Fosca song, ‘I’ve Agreed To Something I Shouldn’t Have’. Half jokey and half rueful, it’s a feeling I still get at the moment, which I need to let go of more often.
These days, lots of people I know use the Facebook website for event invitations, where you’re encouraged to RSVP by clicking on the boxes marked Yes, No, or Maybe. I find it too easy to brood on this, more aware than ever how life is riddled with the results of paths that should have been taken but weren’t, of life-improving opportunities passed up in favour of something else that seemed more attractive at the time, and of a constant worrying about missing out. I want there to be a fourth box. Yes, No, Maybe, and a quote from a St Christopher song: ‘You Deserve More Than A Maybe’.
When people talk of ‘settling down’, they really mean settling for. It’s such a twenty-something concern, the rush to not miss out. Life past the age of thirty (and thirty-five) seems to be more about coming to terms with the things you’ll never do – because you just won’t have the time or money or energy – and learning to not mind so much. But from the second I wake up every day, the minding begins. A sea of minding.
I suppose what I want is someone around purely to boss me about and tell me what to do, to stand behind me glaring over my shoulder, to make sure I do it. Otherwise, I sleep through the alarm clock yet again, even though I went to bed early, and yet another morning fails to exist. And the rest of the day is full of worrying about doing a thousand things, rather than working on and finishing just one.
I’ve just switched phone companies in order to get cheaper broadband – which is as blokey and as normal as I get – and Bathos Telecom have just charged me £4.50 for NOT setting up a Direct Debit in time. It’s as if they’re the bank or the tax man, not a private company which doesn’t even have a monopoly. Being charged for not doing something: the symbolism of it all.
Still, shops do it too, with their bullying loyalty cards. The sad awfulness of the single man in the queue asked for a Tesco Club Card, and of the poor staff having to front the management’s petty requests for them. I’ve done that job too, though. Served my time in the world of less fun but necessary jobs. Bristol circa 1991, stacking shelves, on the counter with a name badge. Richard rather than Dickon, to avoid the jokes.
Tesco Cashier: (automatically, barely there) “Do you want a free voucher for school clothes”?
Me: No thanks, I’m… barren.
Which is me blurting out an excuse, rather than trying to be funny. But the response surprises us both, and she laughs. Hers is a lovely laugh too, individual as a fingerprint. Individuality and laughter in the queue at Tesco: all things are indeed still possible.
