To Battersea Arts Centre to see a performance of "Talking Cock", a one-man show (or rather, show-and-tell) in which the comedian <a href="http://www.richardherring.com">Richard Herring</a> talks for ninety minutes on the subject of, as he puts it, The Honourable Member For Fuckinghamshire, illustrated with slides and a really nice typeface. Using the results of an <a href="http://www.talkingcock.co.uk">online questionnaire</a>, much research at the British Library, and a trip to the world's only penis museum in Iceland, Mr Herring takes the Michael Moore approach to this universal subject.
Avoiding the predictable cheap jokes (some of the questionnaire responses include upsetting confessions of entire lives destroyed over anatomical insecurity), he instead uses humour to educate and inform, provoke thought, and to posit a few serious, constructive and liberating theories and conclusions of his own (what Quentin Crisp would call 'Messages Of Hope'). All of which he does terrifically well.
Before now, the only male response in the <i>seven years</i> since "The Vagina Monologues" was premiered has been "Puppetry Of The Penis", a depressingly popular show in which two Australian men stretched their genitalia balloon-animal-style into deeply unfunny shapes. And that was it. The implication being that cheap humour is the only possible response to anything concerning the male member. Thank heavens for Mr Herring.
It's astounding that such an obvious concept for a show hadn't been attempted before. Even more so that it fell to a short-legged smiling Englishman to do it. As Mr Herring says, "I saw a gap in the market… and like any man, felt driven to fill it."
At one point in the show, he presents the question for women,
<i>"How do you feel when a man cannot get an erection with you?"</i>
One response is, and I quote:
<i>"ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha"</i>
…which he displays on two large screens behind him.
It gets a big laugh from the audience, but Mr Herring goes onto present the more compassionate responses from women, and also is at pains to point out that, in his survey, they outnumber the less kind ones.
And yet he never once stoops to worthiness or political correctness. He'll still include the sort of jokes you'd get from any stand-up observational comedian, for example, "If size doesn't matter, how come you never see any tiny, pencil-thin dildos?". But then he'll follow that up with real life testimonies from men worried over being too small, or too big (one man worries about his 7 inches being inadequate), tales of women in relationships with men who physically ARE too small or too big, and then shows all the figures on what actually IS the "average" size.
Also touched upon is the subject of male circumcision, a topic where Mr Herring confesses he has to sit on the fence, as it's still one of the most contentious issues around. Female circumcision, as carried out in some cultures, is rightfully regarded as a horrific and cruel mutilation. Why isn't the same thought of the male version, decades after the "more healthy" arguments have been rubbished? Why do many American women still find uncircumcised penises revolting?
<img src="http://www.allied-europe.it/images/taste/david.jpg" ALT="Americans: is this revolting to you?"></img>
Mr Herring gets through so many facts, statistics, questionnaire results and third-party accounts that one feels as if one's been on a degree course on the subject. But cheaper and shorter. And with jokes.
If anything, the show is downright Utopian. It's no mean feat. And the pre-show music includes Momus.
I urge everyone to <a href="http://www.talkingcock.co.uk/gigs/">see "Talking Cock" at once</a>, or failing that, buy the book he's writing of the same name. With it, Mr Herring deserves to have the same success as Michael Moore and Eve Ensler. I sincerely hope he gets it. More power to his "Cock".
